Brains!

Interestingly enough I forgot it was my birthday until I looked at the date on my laptop, and thought curiously to myself "that date is familiar". Anyway I think I was a little more then distracted by two dreams I had, which at the time of dreaming and right after waking, I thought were extremely real. I'll delve into those in a while, but first I visited the posts from around my birthdays in the past, where I usually wrote a wee summary of stuff that had happened to me. This time I read them, and was even more shaken. You see last year around this time, I began to have dreams that felt so strangely real and so terrible. And last night, after all that writing, and all those mixed rambles of desperateness, I had two dreams which were deeply intertwined with my subconscious, just the same way. However the content was different, in fact very different, and last year the dreams made me move forward, the dream woke the little voice in my head that led me to the break up and through it. These dreams last night have not made me feel like I need to act, but rather brought me to be curiously aware of what might be troubling me deep in my subconscious.

Because I am so embarrassed about the dreams, and what I think they may mean, I would rather just procrastinate talking about them for the moment, and write the "wee birthday summary" instead. A lot has happened to me, in terms of how I've changed. Like I said I feel like a bare wall. I went from having burnt out mediocre love for James, which I ended on three principles, (1. not wanting t be married at 21 2. wondering what I was missing with other boys 3. different goals and life wants at the time), to single for a few months in the summer, when I do believe I was not worried or anxious, to meeting Jordan and having a blast, to rearranging my entire thought process in relationships, to being freakishly depressed, to being subtly in love, to waiting. When I say waiting, I realize I have become a bare wall, I'm past confusion and into the phase of just waiting till I am properly and more permanently living within a reasonable distance of Jordan. But also I have learned so much about myself through this new relationship, how much angst and self-doubt I have, how I have to let go of my expectations in order to live the life that is waiting for me. I went from being a controlling person, to a submissive one. Hmm what else? So much…

Anyway as for those dreams, both focused around two people I have either never met or only spoken single sentences to. Both dreams are vague, but I think that the failure to remember any linear story line is irrelevant to the context and feeling I got after. The first was about Jordan’s girl who “got away”. I was looking up Julianne Hough from dancing with the stars last night, someone Jordan found to be attractive, but in my dream Julianne Hough was this mystery red head, I have never met, nor really thought much about. Either way in the dream, there were scenes of him being completely smitten, swaggering this way and that smiling dizzily when she was present? It confused the shit out of me. Like I said I don’t remember any linear story, just these strange images. The second dream consisted of me being friends with James’ new girl friend Jenn. At first she was cold towards me, as she is in real life, then she was driving a car and smiling at jokes I was making, then we went to her families house and sat around laughing, and by the end there was no animosity. Neither James nor Jordan was present in this dream, I do remember Justin sitting around and Cooper, but that’s about it. As for what these dreams mean I have no idea. Especially the Jenn one, I think mostly I am just so sad that she hates me with reverent passion, even though I have not spoken to her, and literally speak to James only in class. For some reason the thought of people being upset with me, crushes me, even if it’s someone I don’t really care about. As for the “girl that got away” dream, I can only think that this is my subconscious telling me I am actually worried that Jordan would pick someone over me, based on all my short comings. Meaning that if he found someone less dumb and more his type he would go for it. I have absolutely nothing to back this up. I’ve obviously developed this psychosis around the “swinging” scenario, or the point out attractive girls activity.

However like I said neither of these two dreams have turned on some sort of voice, like ones around my last birthday. In fact I’m actually quite calm, having written them out. I don’t even feel like it’s important enough to bring up with Jordan, or to discuss because I have no evidence, and in the end I’m generally always wrong about what he is thinking. Perhaps I’m also a little pleased, but maybe more surprised at the amount of birthday wishes I have received. Not from anyone close except Jordan and obligated family calls, but rather from people I haven’t talk to in years. James’s mother called me even. It’s amazing also that all I want to do is sit down and write, and post. I like can’t stop doing it. I keep thinking of more I want to say and write. I still want to write about my spring break, and first vacation trip in four years to Las Vegas, which I wanted to mention, and analyze. And along with that, how myself might thwart my goals of travel before they have even begun. I could also go on and on about Jordan, and me for some reason it’s like I can’t turn off my thoughts that I want to convey.