Brains!

This maybe a blog first, but I do believe that about 65% of what I have just posted, is invalid. Well in a sense. I have not followed a path of logical reasoning to get to any of my conclusions. Mostly I wrote on impulse, as I think on impulse, based on emotional feelings. I reread it and I feel childish, and even more unappreciative then I did prior. It's not that I'm not in love with him, and it's not that I doubt that he is in love with me, these two things I know to be true facts. But it's like I can never be satisfied, and I can never take the first steps to getting what I want out of the relationship, I always have to wait around from the other person to do it on their own. Then, when they do, I fail at showing them how much it means to me, as a positive reinforcement, because (this is true) my enthusiasm and appreciation knob is broken. So I rant about it, childishly, like a pre-teen romantic emotional fuck wit. I do feel like a striped wall in that sense, that I used to be semi-normal, but something broke me. I think also, I'm scared of being laughed at and judged, because I already am, meaning my clothes, and failure to be hot and sexy in the conventional sense, that I don't know how to talk to dirty, that I don't want to look like a generic whore, that I'm not a full fledged video game nerd, that thousands of dumb mistakes, (like blowing out tires), etc. All the things I know are turn offs, for him, that are just who I am as a person. Those things can't really be changed, without a huge overhaul of my entire self. And I wonder, I desperately wonder what the things are besides being honest, that make me even remotely love worthy in his eyes. Maybe I'm just so blinded by worrying so much, that I keep stumbling over the gems that are there, such as taking me to Vegas, tickles, and funny voices. Even now when I think of those things I am smiling. I keep trying to think logically why I'm so retarded, and I can't even find the first stepping stone to that line of thought. I know ultimately I want to please him, I want to do all that I can for him to be happy, but I'm obviously failing miserably in figuring out how to do that on my own. I probably could spew out a lot more, but considering tomorrow, I have to post my annual "birthday recap post", I'm sure lots more will come up.

Still I know that I love him, and that I'm actually quite happy, just being Cait and worrying about everything, because I like making people happy. "I know in this moment, I was to cuddle up in the nook of his arm, hold him super tightly, and say all the things I love about him to his face." that statement is still true. And now crawling into bed finally, thats all I want.