Brains!

Returning to school...
Okay...you know when you're planning a vacation, and you start going crazy on researching places to eat, places to visit, things to do, how to do them etc? Well that's what this whole 'going back to school' experience is for me. I can't explain to you how excited I get when I visit SMC's homepage. Going back to school, and taking classes is one of my 'wants". I put it off for invalid reasons. I remember after graduating, I kept saying, "I want to take a class, I miss it so much", but I never did...now I am it feels so good. The anticipation is exciting, no really it is.

I'm going through all my old Humboldt stuff, looking for my unofficial transcripts for enrollment waiver stuff for SMC. I kept a lot of work and I haven't looked at it since I graduated. I'm discovering old papers and projects, and it's such a trip. I did a lot of great work, I really did, but I could have done soooo much more, and that's what I'm going to do.

Planning...
Although I'm sure due to budget cuts there won't be as many options to choose from class wise (when they finally release the summer class schedule), I'm considering a lot of options. Yes my first idea is to go for preparation to build up and prepare myself for a Masters degree, hopefully in MLIS, I'm trying to explore all my options. I have access to things I didn't take advantage of at HSU, career counselors, academic advisers etc. at SMC again, and I intend to use them. I've tried calling the UCLA Information Sciences Department twice now, and no response. All I want is to ask questions people, what kind of 'information' department are you? Ironic. Anyway, I guess at UC's you have to go in and shove your face in their faces to get anywhere. Humboldt was so small and easy to manage. UCLA (and SMC) are gigantic in comparison, and I'm really going to have to force my way to information and help. Which will be good experience for me. I already feel like that's not going to be scary or hard, which is just a testament to the strength I've been building in myself.


How therapy ties in...
Everyone thinks I'm just posing, I'm just saying this shit to 'look good'. I was challenged about this by my therapist. Why is it so important to me to share everything about me? (It doesn't even have to be on my blog. But to strangers, to my parents, to managers, to whatever.) The amazing thing is, she doesn't say what is wrong or right, she leads you to your own conclusions by asking the right questions. Which is exactly what I was looking for, I find myself getting excited for Tuesdays, even though getting through a session can be emotionally difficult. A lot of times what she brings out, is stuff I already know, but she wants me to acknowledge. Here is what I've learned:

My blog goes along with my validation issues. It's why I have a "THIS BLOG" section in the side bar, which is basically a disclaimer. I realize that I am so honest, because I refuse to let anyone pass judgement on me without knowing the proper knowledge about me. And once they have that proper knowledge they can go fuck themselves if they don't like it. I really feel that way. I mean of course it hurts, but ultimately I always feel satisfied, I never regret it, because I'm being true to myself.

But also...I thought someone being proud of me was invalid. Being proud of myself was invalid because I'm not really doing anything to be proud of. I didn't want to celebrate my graduation from college, because I didn't do the best I could do, even though it was still overall an amazing thing for me to achieve. Even in the everyday there were little things I could have been proud of, but I dismissed them as unworthy because they were so small instead of building on them, or picking them up and running to the next step. When I read back over old writing, I find I dwelled on all my negative aspects, instances, or thoughts.

Yes of course there are negative aspects of my life right now. Who doesn't have negative aspects of their life? But right now I choose to express all the positive things I'm doing. Readers should already know about those negative things, it should be inherent based on the ocurrances in my life. So what would be the point of dwelling, or talking about them? Yes they are there, duh, it's how I choose to face them that's important. Most importantly it's important for me to really go forth on the positive, doing what is best for me. What I want to do, when I want to do it. It's why, even though I am distraught sometimes, I am forging so strongly ahead at the same time. I think it's so hard for people to realize that, because they think in my situation I should be in bed crying and being depressed. They also think this because I'm Caitlin I let my weaknesses in the past guide my life. That I would do anything to get the easy way out, maybe even some people think I'm faking this to do that. The concept of me being strong is hard to believe. The reader must see that although yes I'm sad, I completely understand it wouldn't get me anywhere near what I want if I let that be all of me. I'd remain stagnant in self loathing. That is why I'm saying right now, fuck you if you think this is fake. I do understand that this process of growing into a strong person may take years, a month is just the beginning. But I couldn't function now, if I didn't actively pursue what I want.

Yes it is true, writing, and posting is some how therapy for me. I discover through writing and analyzing things about me, that I may not have otherwise. Having the blog as a useful reflection tool of my life years ago is great. But, yes I am painting a picture of myself here. I choose what people see. Is that a bad thing? I'm not really sure right now. I do know that I'm being true to myself, should I apologize for that, absolutely not. Is it bad to present my best sides? Like I said, I'm learning now it shouldn't be weird to be proud of myself, seems I even believed it was conceit to think the best of myself. (And the last thing I wanted to be was conceited because I hate conceited people. That ridiculous notion comes from my childhood I now know.) But it's so ironic, because here I am, since 2003 writing about myself. Painting a picture.

So if this is true, when one looks at my writing previously, one could almost say I was screaming for something ground breaking to happen to me. What a concept.