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My blog could be considered a dangerous thing. I don't think it is. Everything I write is completely honest. Some posts are commentary, some posts are stories, some are boring, some are fun. Most often it's a window into the part of my subconscious that cannot be communicated verbally. It's meant to be the place I spill, organize and store my abstract hidden things. You can really access a lot about me through the blog, and it's partially there for that purpose. To find out the things I cannot say, and don't necessarily need to be said. But its also a tool for me, the process of writing/blogging is therapy in some sense. However, there's a lot missing. To read it, and to think that it is all of me, would be very wrong. That's why it can be misleading. A lot of people read it, and they misinterpret. No one really knows what I actually mean by a lot of the things I say, and that's not my problem. Like I said, its only there partially for the purpose of letting people into that part of me, the rest is there for me, for my subconscious to come out. To take it literally would be a dangerous thing for the reader.

Important Pieces

In that space where infinity above meets immensity below we see the first sign of a new dawn. Dark always gives way to light; for a brief moment nothing is forbidden, everything is possible. But what would we do if the light never came? Maybe we would lie down. Maybe we could go back to sleep. Maybe we could wake up. - Adbusters

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere; they’re in each other all along. - Jelaluddin Rumi (1207-1273)

Adopt the pace of nature: Her secret is patience. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The poet Rilke was afraid that if he got rid of his demons, he would lose his angels as well. Of course the danger of clinging to our demons to save our angels is that our demons may well take over." - Tim Farrington

Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is-and still not caring.
- Tom Robbins

What I wish I could write on this application:

"Sometimes you just need a break. Please please let me at least get to the Written Exam phase. I can guarantee you that I would appreciate this opportunity more then I could express. I am applying to graduate school for a masters in library science, this experience would be key in that process. Yes I have considered all the paths I could take to get to that ultimate goal. This is the most promising option of those paths. While working I could take courses at community college and prepare my application. If accepted to my desired choice, I would complete my degree online, and continue working in this position. More personally, when I after completing my undergraduate degree, I had absolutely no sense of the direction I wanted to take. But I've since challenged myself to discover my goal, and a career I could truly find satisfaction in. I'm excited about my future now. Thank you for your consideration."

All my other writing this weekend has come full circle. A sign of analysis paralysis. I'm still aching for what I want, and sometimes that longing and missing is sad. But there is a future, I want it, I just wonder when. In the meantime, as I've sad, I've made my decision about applying for school. My first step is to work on securing some sort of library position somewhere, where ever my life takes me. Then taking courses, to build up my application. Applying, and getting in.

Maybe I just needed a goal to work towards. Jordan was the best thing going for me, and that's why the relationship became the focal point of everything. I waited for it to do everything for me. Now I want both and more. I want friends, I want to have fun, try new activities, write and submit, be positive and say yes, and it just seems so ridiculously easy to do. I want to have the best thing that was going for me, and this goal. A commitment to a degree that could lead me to great specific opportunities, rather then some vague interdisciplinary field like geography.

I want everything now. I've never felt that way before, about something so 'mature'. But this takes time, after all you cannot rush the whole world.

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Important Pieces

Sunday, March 21, 2010

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