Brains!

Another knife through the heart is the Austin Texas guide I requested in the mail arrived yesterday, luckily I didn't have time to dwell since I found in the box when I opened the door for Olga. And while I was with her, here and at her house up until 10:30, I was able to function and prepare.

In an attempt to try to heal, an attempt to try to give space, attempt to try to live on, I've dealt with the internet fallout of relationships. I managed my facebook account settings, so as to avoid encounters with anything that might cause me to break down as soon as I read it. I deleted my twitter account, in an effort to just get rid of my reliance on the internet. I'm looking into finding someone reliable to sell my wow account for me. In this way I'll have to go out of my way to find things out, and I won't be viciously eye slapped and surprised. I hope this isn't taken as a personal affront, but rather a way for me to heal without becoming a psycho maniac.

I didn't sleep last night at all. That is no exaggeration. When I fist got in bed, I was freezing. I lay with my eyes closed, the TV on the, lights on all night. When I tried to turn them off, the emptiness only exacerbated all my thoughts and symptoms. My whole body is still aching and panic is starting to settle. I self induced a fever. At a couple points I went to the bathroom, and tried to make my self throw up because I'm so damn nauseous. It's a deep terrifying panic. I realize how much my routine revolved around Jordan. Talking to him on AIM, on facebook. Thinking about plans for the future, thinking about thins we did in the past. EVERYTHING I think about reminds me of Jordan, and the whole cycle starts all over again. I cry, I calm down, I get anxious, I can't sleep. I focus on the TV, I forget for a split second but then he's back. I want him back so badly.

While deep down inside I want to believe it was a horrible nightmare, that he'll come back...I'm preparing for the worst. I just want someone to hold me, and never let go. They can be faceless, but another human beings presence is the the only thing keeping the pain of my heartbreak at bay. I wish Jordan could be that person.