Brains!

Have you ever screamed so much, you didn't feel human? That's what wailing is. I think I wailed the entire 35 miles. The pain is so bad, the only way I can deal with it is to scream. The louder more jarring it felt the more I felt like I was releasing everything pent up inside me. But now its left a great chasm. Vast and infinite in twilight, and heat. If I stop talking or crying I feel ill like I'm going to vomit all my internal organs. A few things kept repeating themselves amongst my screams. "no no no no no no no no no no" "please" over and over "please". "What happened to me? What happened to me? What happened to me? What happened to me?". "What am I going to do now?" "I have nothing left, I have nothing anymore. I have nothing left" "I'm all alone. I'm alone".

I'm so stupid. I imagined so many great things to happen, so many things to share. But I always waited for them to happen. I was always waiting, relying, and submitting. I thought we'd be so happy for so long. Me, him and Guinness. I thought about lying around a lovely apartment in Austin fans blowing all over us in the heat. I thought about driving cross country with him. I thought about being with him forever. I thought about kissing him, hugging, him rolling over and finding him in bed. Being all the things I fail to be, and I don't know why. I want to tell him over over and over. I'm so stupid.

But I knew it was coming, I felt it over two weeks. Nothing but distance. I told myself no stop, it cant be true. But even on my way from the DMV to his house, I broke down crying before I got there. I felt it coming. "What am I going to say to change his mind?", I asked myself. When he opened the door I could then see it in his eyes. He was gone, it was all gone. I wanted to beg him, to please don't let me go. Don't dismiss me. I love you. I'd do anything for you. Which were all the things he didn't want me to do. I imagined all the things people are going to say. Packing all his stuff into a box.

I've done that. I'm staring at the box, it is the saddest thing I have ever seen. I feel hollow. I used to feel like a great stone had been rolled on my chest in tumultuous times. But now I feel completely hollow, like a cannonball ripped through my rib cage. The worst part by far, is the string. It fell off, weeks ago. This morning I found another one, which had fallen off a couple years ago, while I was cleaning out the volvo. Just this week I was making a new one for him. A new one to bind us back together. I'm already wearing mine around my neck. But he'll never come to back to me now. He never got the new one. I made it to bring us back, and it will never happen.

I'm broken, completely broken.