Brains!

Reflection
It's amazing what you can do with a positive and optimistic attitude. I know it sounds cheesy, and this exactly the type of thing I would look at and say this is idealistic. But I'm trying something new. I'm using sheer will, to build up my will. Literally standing in front of a mirror and saying "listen you! Stop avoiding life, stop hiding!". Yes so now you can think I'm crazy, but it worked!

I think that no matter what people tell me it doesn't settle in. Part of the reason I've been so determined to see a professional is that I believe they can help give me a tool set. With this tool set, I won't have to pretend, or try, or think too much, I'll confront everything myself, without anyone's help (like I did with my reflection, filling out the brag sheet in the previous post). All this related to confidence in myself, whether it be jobs, writing, love, intimacy or what have you. It's nice to know that I have support through this endeavor, but ultimately it's me who will make me happy.

I guess it takes a significant loss of what you hold most dear to really rebuild. I'm sorry that it had to be Jordan, but at the same time it could not have been anyone else.

QUOTE
“The longest journey of any person is the journey inward”...and...“Happiness is inward, and not outward; and so, it does not depend on what we have, but on what we are”.

"The poet Rilke was afraid that if he got rid of his demons, he would lose his angels as well. Of course the danger of clinging to our demons to save our angels is that our demons may well take over." -Tim Farrington

These quotes really speak to me. I think the first one is rather obvious, and I've been addressing it all week in through my writing. And although I felt like I was mechanical in nature, forcing myself to adhere to a strict 'stay busy' attitude, I've also been able to dig deep emotionally. Really addressing what happened to me. That it was me, and no one else who got me to this point of being half human. It's not what I have that defines me. Having a great boyfriend, wasn't who I was, it was just a symptom of what I could offer. Things aren't me, its what I do. The second quote really nails my fear. I was too scared to know what I could offer. It sounds silly, but I was worried trying something new would change something that I already had and didn't want to lose. But in doing that, the demons - the fear, laziness, loss of passion - really did take over. AND although there were moments of extreme happiness, and a belief that I had found something special, I ultimately became half human. And half humans can't be in relationships, with friends, with lovers, with family, with jobs, with art, with writing, with life, and with yourself.