Brains!

Because I have to stay busy...I've been going through all the old photos and organizing them. Interestingly enough...when I was a little kid I was very emotional about other people. If someone got hurt, or if I hurt them, even if they weren't crying, I'd cry and cry. I couldn't stand the thought of other people being unhappy or suffering. It used to make me ill, literally. Even now, I don't want anyone to be sad, angry or upset. And if it's my fault I feel I must fix it, even with total strangers. Clearly I'm the same person...I can't stand the thought that I was so boring, or that I didn't try hard enough in the beginning or the middle of the relationship for it to lead to where it did. Was I really that easy to let go of? What the hell did I do wrong to let that happen? And now I can't even fix it.

I also feel generally stupid. That I didn't notice. What the hell was I thinking, doing? Was I so completely stupid to be that oblivious? I also feel ashamed and angry at myself, for giving up and letting myself get shut down when I did try to reach out early on in the the relationship, that I denied my needs for so long too. That I kept thinking something magical would happen and the imaginary guy would appear.

Sometimes I think about the things I'm thinking a feel a little bit loopy. Like I'm losing control of what I'm thinking, wild thoughts spin around up there. I keep going over it again in my mind...trying to understand how the one person I thought was the only person in the world I could trust, betrayed me. It just seems so amazingly unbelievable to me, so I keep looking for things that explain it. It just seems if he had told me right after, we may have broken up, but at least it would still have been based on honesty and that trust wouldn't have been violated so wretchedly.The circumstances make it all the more fantastical. The cruelty of letting me say and think things that were never going to happen, scolding me, and picking me up and then dropping me, how at the end I had try to force some kind of apology ...

Like I said, I'd made a couple different routes, plans for myself depending on the outcome of the situation. So that if indeed the worst case scenario panned out, I'd still be on some sort of track. So I'm still doing things, looking for jobs, thinking about schools, preparing for classes, sticking to a routine...but at this point everything still seems pointless. I just can't really make sense of anything. I have no drive to feel anything about anything I'm doing. I want to feel happy about things, and hopeful, but I can't seem to grasp those positive feelings.

That and of course the waves of emotions washing over me unexpectedly when I can't be numb anymore.