Brains!

Twilight is the worst time of day. I've never liked it. Now it just signals a coming night of pain and sleeplessness.

Today's LA Times Horoscope for Aries: Denying how you really feel won't help anyone, especially not you. Let your feelings fuel your passion.

At least, like I said I'm used to the wanting not to be alone, so the sadness is quite different. It's less panicked, and confused, because of clarity about what really happened, and on account of the getting used to the idea that it could very well be over during the separation. Although I wanted the phone call, hearing his voice may have been more painful then what he actually said. His voice is what I grew to love in the beginning because it was all I had of him at first.

Regardless of what happened in the past 5 months, I had to love something about him...enough to be satisfied anyway. But I also realized today that I feel like I'm in love with what I wanted Jordan to be, and what I always hoped he'd be to me. In other words all the things I needed, but were never there. For two years I was was waiting too, for something that wouldn't happen. So not only am I in love with a ghost, but also an imaginary Jordan. On the phone I still found myself not able to quite able to admit to myself that it's over, because of my feelings for this ghost and imaginary person.

It still doesn't make it any easier.

What also bothers me, is that I lost sight of all that hope I built in myself. Or maybe it was false hope, because I was doing it with the belief that we'd get back together, always in the back of my mind. Ultimately, those beliefs were completely false on so many levels. Although I'm relieved this saga is over, it still brings me back to just me again. The possibilities are still endless, nothing has changed. But I don't feel as positive about it anymore.