Brains!

There are three things:
-Missing Jordan, and all the great things the companionship, and feeling that I failed him/didnt try hard enough, that he won't miss me, and going off to do everything without me.
-Feeling completely isolated, and alone, wanting someone to hold me, feeling betrayed and unwanted, that I'm not enough.
-Which leads to feeling like I have no idea who the hell I am, and being terrified of my future, which is why this whole saga started.

When I can't cry, I feel worse. Because it's like an oily depression of not wanting the consciousness. I can't cheer myself up, and I can't hit the bottom and purge. It's just there rolling around in my head like vomit of the brain that won't come out.

Everything seems pointless, and yesterday when I started crying while I was distracted at an event really freaked me out. Because it means the sadness is started to break through my 'keep busy to forget' coping mechanism.