Brains!

Ultimately it would not cure me. In fact there is no cure.

When the shock wore off, I found out that my values, or morals, or everything that makes up me, isn't enough for other people, or rather they don't utilize it to their means, and it can easily be tossed aside. I realized that that those things were really all I had going for me. Yes going to school, and going to Australia are things I want to do, but not me. So if those things are all I'm worth, and those things failed to do what I wanted them to do for me, then what was/is the point? That's when I started to feel worthless. Like I could abandon all my values and morals, because they didn't matter anyway, they're useless no one wants them or needs them. If I'm really worth something then people should be lining up. That sounds conceited, but it just means that I really don't believe in myself at all. Or I lost sight completely of what I gained in a short few weeks, before I knew the truth. Then I lost my innocence about what I thought a relationship was. I never knew how painful it was when someone is cruel to you. I thought a relationship was was supporting someone to be the best person they can be. James didn't take advantage of that, and Jordan couldn't. Not even just that, but people aren't going to be trustworthy, people aren't going to be honest, like me. Or they aren't going to want to hear what I have to say about me either. I can't make/change/wait for someone to be that person either. So what is the point of relationships? Why put so much emphasis on caring about them, when I'll never get what I actually want out of one? Why not just floosy around? Isn't that what people do when they feel that way? It's normal. But I'm saying no, because just as much as I don't see the point of relationships anymore...I know that it won't make it better either way.

I know it's a very narrow-minded view point for a 24 year old who's only been in two serious relationships. But that's just the thing. I have only had two serious relationships. I've never been a floosy, I never had anything to do with boys or what they really want in high school. I never had the practice. So when this happened to me it was all the more traumatizing, because I hadn't been hardened. I've always been open hearted. But now I'm not anymore. I am hardened and I'm turning into what I don't want to be, the more I resist becoming angry and try to forgive, the more numb I get. What's worse is I'm terrified of becoming what Jordan has become, even though I know abandoning my morals and values is exactly what would lead me to becoming that person. That is why I said no...and dropped the idea.

Everyone is rushing me along to 'hate him, get over it, you'll find someone better'...and I'm not facing how much pain I'm in. I just keep going and doing shit and just saying to myself, keep going, you have to, because you can't just lie on the floor, you're supposed to be worth something. People who are worth something don't wallow around in self pity, they do shit and just move on. But the pain, it sneaks up on me, or worse wriggles around in my numbness tempting me to forget anything about the me I used to know.

Everything I am going through, is exactly what was spoken in therapy. I kept saying, it's over thank god, no more secrets. But really there was a lot more pain to come. A lot more realizations to come. This surprised me. She knew instantly the moment I walked in the room and started saying those things. She challenged me and brought it out in me. I'm still working through it. I can't make split decisions and move forward I've realized that is exactly what my mom and sisters do. I need to work through it. And going through the temptation of abandoning my morals, and meeting a stranger for sex was a test I had to face...it came at an interesting time. But I stuck to my guns, and stood fast against an extremely persistent person. I knew that it wasn't going to be a cure, just another band aid. There is no cure, or no cure that someone else can provide.

The previous post was desperation, and written in the depths of exploration...and I'm sure there is more to come of that. I need people to talk to me about it, force me to think about it, until it's beaten to death.