Brains!

I wrote the following passage, on March 10th. I never sent it, because I gave Jordan the benefit of the doubt. I trusted he wouldn't need to know all these things, because he already did, and just needed time to realize it. How wrong was I? This is before I knew the truth. This would have been something to say if we had communicated how unhappy we were, before events in December. If we were both committed to moving the relationship forward, back then. Now rereading it, I just feel stupid.

SO I think I'm worth a lot. I'm loyal. I don't cheat. I don't lie. I'm not mean. I avoid drama. I like to be uncomplicated. I can communicate. I'm punctual and reliable. I have an endless amount of forgiveness, understanding, tolerance and patience. I'm incredibly self aware, and in touch with my emotions. I'm honest, and not afraid to voice my opinions. I can have intelligent conversations. In many ways I'm wise. I'm creative. I'm goofy and I don't take myself too seriously, so I'm laid back. I'm not an airhead, all the time. I have a good sense of humor. I'm pretty. I care about my body and being healthy. I'm not generic. I'm true to myself. I'm always looking for ways to make myself a better person. I want to know things, and I do know a lot of things. I like learning. I have values. I'm committed. I'm open to change. I'm open to new experiences, and new places. I want to work through things. I like companionship.

Are all those things something you are willing to give up? Are you willing to take that risk? Yes it's true that sometimes I lose my path, and that I have recently. But I'm still growing up. I'm still learning who I am. I'm allowed to make mistakes, to get lost, and to find my way out. That is life. I'm sure as hell awake now.

I can understand if you're scared, or if you're stressed out. I can even understand taking a break. But it's either you're in or you're out, for the good and the bad. There are negatives, and will be doubtful, stressful times, but that will be in every relationship. Are my positives really worth giving up? Because frankly I don't think they are. I think I'm unique and special. I think we fit great. I always have. I think I'm the best person to come along in your life. Our relationship was a foundation, that I always looked to for strength and safety because it was the best thing going for me. And I believe you are the best person to come along in my life, because you challenge me. Now I want it, and so much more for myself. But the pain I've been going through of feeling abandoned, despite great strides in personal awareness is excrutiating and I don't want to go through it again.

Are the negatives really enough to tip the scale of being in love with me, to just loving me? It's hard to imagine that we could get along so well, and it be so easy for you to take that risk. I'm not saying that you're happy, I'm sure you're miserable or that this decision was easy. But was it a long time coming, because if it was then then it's true you've given up AND maybe it did take something like this to really shake up the relationship, get it back on track, but I don't want it to be over, and I don't believe it is.

Please understand I don't mean to threaten or pressure you. I'm not even angry. I'm protecting myself, because I'm worth more then this. I'm worth more then just waiting around for you to decide if I'm worth keeping around.