Brains!

I think I'm going in to hysterical desperation.

I'm dreading Sunday. I feel stupid for it too, or rather I feel like I'm not supposed to feel like this based on what society says you are supposed to feel after being cheated on. I want him to talk to me, I wish he would beg me to take him back. beg for forgiveness and a second chance. I want everything to be made up to me. I want to be loved, and I want to be wanted. I want feel important. I want to be held, I want everything I never got from him no matter what. I want to be a strong person for me and for him. I want him to be happy and I want him to want me to be happy. I want to hear him say he would do anything for me me to be happy. I'm loyal to him, and knowing there is no point to it at the same time. I feel guilty for feeling that way, and wanting all these things...and heartbroken knowing he's going that makes it practically impossible...regardless of what he's done to me.

And about everything else, I can't feel normal either. Even when I'm being productive. I hate sitting there, thinking what the fuck is the point? I'm so confused, everything I'm thinking contradicts something else. I don't have a clear vision anymore of exactly what is happening to me, or why, or where I'm going. I can't put my finger on a single idea, because it just disappears into oblivion of what the fuck is going on? No matter what I try, I can't get a grip, or control how I want to think, and what I want to do, how I want to face the situation. My tool kit, and anything I had gained is completely failing. I keep trying things and doing stuff, and it's not working. Nothing is in my control at all. What the fuck is happening to me?