Brains!

While the previous posts is honest about my actual heart (not what society tells me, or my logical mind tells me to do in this situation), what I secretly wish and hope for, deep down-
The honest reality is- He's really over me, regardless of what he did to me, and that he's happy. He's probably in love with someone else now. He feels guilty, but he's over it. He cares but only so that he won't feel guilty anymore. He doesn't think about me otherwise, and he won't miss me. He never wants me back. He's never going to hold me, or tell me I'm amazing. I am definitely punishing myself for my failures, and thinking it was my fault. And even now I'm still loyal. Knowing all my hopes and secret wishes will never come true.

I want him back, even if he is moving away, because if he wants me, it means I'm worth something. I should be worth a second chance, that second chance would probably fail, but that I'm not even worth that is eating me away. Or that is how I see it. No matter how unhealthy it would be, no matter how much I need to grow, and he does too. But the reality is you can't want something you don't even love anymore, and he doesn't anymore. He has no interest in a second chance...or never expressed it. To be honest I have no idea what is true or false about him anymore, making assumptions gets me no where too. Either way, he's leaving tomorrow, but he's been gone from me for a long time. And that ghost and imaginary guy will never come to me. What I'm hoping in is just as false, as the reality is the truth. It just shows that I still have that hope and trust, I'm still stupidly naive...and oblivious, a weak stupid girl.

I think I am getting worse, rather than getting better.