Brains!

When you die, Dr. Duncan MacDougall said you lose 21 grams from your total weight. Apparently that is how much your soul weighs. When your heart is broken you lose 21 pounds of physical weight, or at least I did. I don't even want to think about my soul. Sunday was my deadline. The one I'd set for myself, since logically I knew he had moved on weeks before, despite his wishy washy, 'I'm keepin you at arms length case I change my mind' approach to this entire travesty. For me Sunday was the last day I was going to allow for wishing, for hopes, for dreams, for believing in an imaginary person, for a second chance.

The days following have been absent of panic and desperation, wild thoughts, and ridiculous notions. I leave my naivety behind me. I move forward with the heart I had before, the heart I've always had, the one that wasn't wanted or needed, nor getting what it wanted or needed. Friends will get that for now, and in the future someone will want it, need it, and love it.

Even today when a key player in this whole saga, wanted to absolve their guilt, I explained my appreciation, but that no amount of details, apologies, or explanations can satiate me, they are pointless to me. They cannot relieve the pain, nor let me grow. Besides...

The ultimate truth is that there was lying, and violation of loyalty on a massive scale. The details don't matter. And it was traumatizing because I was already a weakened person, and I've had little experience with break ups. It was also done by someone I thought to be the only person in the world to abide by those rules too. Despite the fact that I already knew who Jordan really was. An incredibly insecure person. A damaged and damaging person. He's incapable of emotion or intimacy, and hides behind a stony fake ego. A belittling and self validating ego. For 2.5 years I tried to reach out to him, and I was shut down, and made to think there was something wrong with me for wanting more then what I was getting from him. His logical arguments leave little room for sympathy, or consideration for the other person. It's incredibly emotionally abusive, even if it's not intended to be. Now it's clear he also became a selfish coward. He has always been out for his own benefit for as long as I've known him. I'm just in shock that he could go so far as to lying to everyone around him, and to violate me, the person who was supposed to be 'the best thing that had ever happened to him' on such a horrendous scale.

But he made that choice, he could have taken a different way out. In no way was it my fault for the choices he made, and was not forced to, no matter what he wasn't getting from me in the relationship.

Those are the facts, and the details don't matter. The bottom line is, I just need time to heal, to really figure out who I am, not what Jordan manipulated (intentionally or not) me into thinking about myself. I settled, instead of the pain of break-up, I gave up what I wanted, and was content in that 'oh well' state. And I was hopeful he could open up, there were moments he was on the edge of it. But it fell through the cracks. But that's not my problem, I'm the most understanding, patient, and willing person I know to help the person I love to be their best. If Especially if it's properly communicated that that is what the other person actually wants. Therefore his intimacy issues, are his fault, and clearly no one can help him get there but himself.

More importantly, ME. I'm already addressing why I let myself last in this relationship, why I gave up, and exploring the pattern of my issues with boys in therapy. Which I LOVE. I'm on the right path, I just needed to find it again. And in no way do I believe this is simplified, it's more complicated then I'll ever know. But this is what I know to heal now.

That is where I leave it. I move forward with my heart, my values. Maybe forgiveness will come later, maybe it won't. For now I take the good memories and put them in a box for later. The month of May is for me, and Australia is my reward.