Brains!

Summary word-for-word practically, of things discovered in therapy. It's a mirror that's always been there, but covered up. You have the knowledge about yourself, but its unveiled in therapy.

I know I'm 'repressing anger, which means I'm still extremely sad', but going into that pain isn't something I'm interested. I will not be robbed of control.

I don't really feel guilty for wanting to feel happy anymore. If that means flirting that's fine too. 'I don't have get into a freaking serious relationship with the first guy that shows up'. The beauty of me, is that I'll flat out say what I'm thinking to anyone, it would be nearly impossible for me to lead anyone on, without fair warning. Which might be a turn-off, but 'that's being true to myself', that's for sure.

Boys are easy. Actually...I take it back, boys who aren't stony are easy. Things that never worked on the stone work again. Like 'the eyes'. That never worked. It's amazing what happens when normal human things are reciprocated. Being a girl is easy. After learning early on that nothing I was doing was working, before I 'gave up', I'd learned the knowledge of a woman. Why going out in to the world after James was so easy, because I knew the easiness of getting what I wanted. But I had to forget them, in fact I forced them out, memories of what an intimate relationship was like to function in the one I was in. Soo unhealthy. My 'incredible survival instinct', and 'ability to adapt', just utilized in all the wrong way.

Being reminded of what I was like, rediscovering repressed, lost memories, is helping me to realize that I've had both the extreme high point of what two people can share, and the extreme low of what two people can share. In all my relationships, I've experienced both. I sort of compacted what someone might never know in a life time, in to 5 years of life, starting from my first kiss when I was 18, to 3 weeks in the dorms, to the fairy tale story, to frustration with him, to falling out of love, to the pure physical, to the experimentation, to longing, to heart break, on and on, all those experiences up until till now. I'm very lucky, and probably one of the more wise people my age.

Can you imagine how powerful I'll be when I get everything else in line. When I slap my fears, and insecurities in to their rightful places? Fear me!