Brains!

I miss so much, such a contradiction of emotions.

I'm so suspicious. I just can't trust anything anyone is saying about anything. I'm prone to thinking the worst these days, because for too long I thought the best. All I can assume is I could get hurt again, if I don't realize some people aren't what they seem. I'm avoiding pain, by not taking the risk of trusting people, and having it go south. I assume most people are out for themselves only, selfish, and have no consideration for my feelings. I feel like I'm leading the pack.

In order to counteract this, I'm trying to keep things as light hearted as possible, in my own heart. Trying to force 'go with the flow' is really difficult. I don't want to become submissive so I'm over compensating, I might even sound intentionally mean. It seems when I do defend myself too, I sound freakishly familiar. I speak to people the way I was spoken to, in order to shut people out and not put myself in a vulnerable position. I hate it. It's frightening because it naturally came out me, it just sort of happened. A few moments later I realized what I'd said, and felt ill.

I feel like I'm two people.