Brains!

More snippets from emails, this time pertaining more specifically to the stone...if you're sick of reading about it, then just skip this post.

I mean I guess, trying to justify break ups, just sends you in circles. Wondering what you could have done differently ends up not really getting you anywhere, unless you both want to get back together. If there isn't that mutual intention and it is only one sided, analysis doesn't matter, because there is nothing to fix. But it does wound you. And you limp around with that hesitation forever.

Anyway...I'm starting to wonder if anyone is happy for long periods of time. I think happiness is fleeting, can last days, but never years. I think it's normal. But I think what I'm getting at is satisfaction. I think I became satisfied with the stone, but I never really loved him. Or rather I was in love with what I thought he could be, and what I needed from him. The reality of the stone was quite different, especially when his life started taking off and mine didn't. They rarely came close to being the same person. Just as much I wanted him to change, or you to change, people rarely do, and shouldn't for the other person. I mean I think acceptance can be mutually worked on, but no one does it. I think the stone was in love with me in the same way, and when he realized I wasn't going anywhere he acted out, and then went crazy, and lied for 6 months. I guess because I'm the type of person who thinks to make things work, you should work at it. I think though it's hard to fall back in love with someone if you fall out. I don’t blame him for not loving me anymore. It was an agreement that if things started to change, the stone would tell me. We had talked to many times about that being the rule between us. That honesty, communication was what I relied on in the relationship, why I felt so secure. It was completely violated. I go back, I think about all the times I wasn't cluing into the change, even if he wasn’t communicating it to me. How much we failed each other. But he didn’t have to go and cheat, and then be intentionally mean.

I'm freaked out about the 'not satisfied' thing...or being sooooo 'satisfied' I'm pacified...which I think happened with the stone. I didn't want more for myself.
I think what makes you and I special, is we still see the good in the people that have hurt us most. Which freaking sucks balls, I want to hate the stone, but I just believe he can be a better person. We both also have endless amounts of forgiveness, and want to make things better...and don’t like it when other people are unhappy.
Hopefully...I'll be able to forgive him internally even if we never talk again, just the way you have. I can't live in hate, but it seems right now I need to, to get past this numbness.

Amazingly, I'm not really that emotionally as a person...or rather I have a really hard time, just letting myself get into a pit, because I force myself out of it. The way my mom does, ‘must survive’. So I harbor a lot and it just whirls around my head. My therapist noticed it, and I was like Jesus she knows so much about me that I don’t even know, and it's crazy. Just from 8 weeks of sessions.

I'm not sure if the protecting during break ups is good or bad. The stone claims not telling me about cheating was for my sake...and I can see why, and what it does to people. He knew what it could do to me, if I knew the truth, in a way I don't blame him for not wanting to tell me. I've been saying the whole time, it's more the lying and leading me on and making me think it was my fault I'm pissed about. Also that he couldn't trust me enough to give himself to me intimately in an emotional way.

I cannot say what I will not do in the future. And neither can you. I guess really living in the present is the only thing we can do. Yes I do owe you something, honesty and truth, those are my values, and I don't want to lose them. So as life goes on, I’ll always be honest with you about how I’m feeling about 'talking/not talking' and why. Even if we find we cannot talk for whatever reason, at least I can give you those things.

I am haunted by place images. The freeway. I spent so much time on the freeway going to Simi...I keep thinking about the damn freeway...and knowing I was going to some place happy. I keep thinking about the stone driving cross-country with Guinnes (the cat we got) and maybe even with some girl in the car.. I keep thinking about the desert where we went for gem-o-rama. I don’t know I just can get images out of my head of places. They wont go away. I cant get any relief...the less time I spend with humans talking, the more I think about it. I hate it. I hate wasting all the tears on him. How many tears I wasted on him...wasting time and words with him.