Brains!

"Privilege to be your friend", rather than 'I'm ready'. Choice in words is exactly why I cannot be friends, and exactly what I recognize to be the selfishness. I don't know why? What would be the point? I can make assumptions why, I can guess... I just don't know what to believe anymore, and the archaic weirdness of not saying what the fuck is really meant, doesn't get anyone anywhere. At this point in my healing, I don't see what I could gain, except to take steps backwards. I'm an amazing friend to have, but I need to be over the hump to do it. Because I am not, I failed to express "privilege" as the appropriate word. I'm a gift, I don't think is needed or really wanted for the gifts sake, but only for the receivers...again I make no assumptions, but unclear dialogue leads to this...I learned that the hard way.

Being friends again with the Old Lamp is strange. Who knows if it's a bad idea, but it makes me feel better about myself, and I've stated that to him soooo I don't feel like I'm using him with out his knowledge. It's pretty clear years of depression have had a profound affect on the way he views life. So now...he's normal, a normal human person. It's good to know that after all these years, reconnection is possible, but only after people do their own lives for a while. I realize too, that I could never talk about anything to him before, not only because he was still too connected to me, but also because I knew I wasn't getting the 'emotional intellectualism" with the Stone. It would have been completely unethical to have that connection with the Old Lamp about anything, while it didn't exist with the Stone. That just shows how loyal I am to the person I'm dating, how much I hoped we'd build that...

After having said all this, I still have hope that no one is evil...you can be the best person you can be. If you really want it.

PS I love therapy.