Brains!

The following are significant thoughts I've gathered about life, while conversating in emails this week:

I hope that because I know about transition people, that I can just sort of date for a while, and not do anything too serious. But I mean I don't know. Life changes and crazy things happen. I'm still heartbroken, but you learn to live with that. It never leaves you. I'd like to think I can plan out what I want, who I want...but I think we end up being guided by what our hearts need in the moment. I mean that can sound pretty selfish...but as long as you are also selfless, it's fine to want what you want for yourself. Especially if you are a moral person, like you and I.

I'm not so sure of control, as I am of making sure I am aware of what I truly want and not what other people want me to be. AND also not forcing or asking or waiting for someone else to be the person I they are not. As well as this, being true to what I want to do/be as a person in life too. Finding a job, a purpose, meaning for just me. I know now too, I want to be a in a relationship as an individual, as much as a couple.

Saying all this really just narrows the options down farther and farther. Which is I believe you really go for what your heart needs in the moment, even if you might logically know, people fall back into the pattern you've always exhibited in relationships. My therapist believes this is true. The relationships we go through are often cyclical. We go back and forth, and we're generally always the same people and look for the same people. It's being aware of the pattern that is important. She's like "that is why I'm here, so that I can challenge you about what you are doing, so that you can find out if it is right for you." That's the great thing about therapy, they don't pass judgement, but increases your ability to be aware of who you really are.

l think for people like you and I, it's certain that in both our futures there will probably still be more significant pain at some point. We'll invest our hearts in the relationship, and hearts get hurt the most. But we've also built up walls around them, to protect ourselves now....it will be interesting to see where we go from here.

There are so many people that change our lives, and things that don't. It seems like Jenn wasn't that sort of life changing person, that say, you and I were for each other. There are so many experience that change our lives, heart break is one of the more powerful ones, especially for people like you and I.